April 2008

He Says, She Says: Are We A Couple?

Author: Keith Kelson & Jean Wharton

He Says

Most guys are too dense to even notice the warning signs. Like the proverbial lightning bolt from the blue, they wake up one day and wham!! It’s happened. Nights that used to be filled consuming leftover pizza, quaffing multiple cases of Mountain Dew while playing marathon sessions of World Of Warcraft are now dominated by watching chick flicks with your sweetie. When Harry Met Sally, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The first two seasons of Sex and The City on DVD. That’s right my, friend you’re now officially off the market. You’re now one half of a couple.

You’re shaking your head. Not me, you say. I’m born to be wild and can’t be tamed. I have more tattoos than Allen Iverson and Dennis Rodman combined, and I drink milk straight from the carton, you proclaim. You are indeed a wild man. But humor me and let’s take a closer, shall we?

Let’s examine the evidence in your crib. There are other subtle and not so subtle signs you might need to look for if you’re still not convinced. Are there any glamour photos of her in your apartment? Is there a purple or pink fuzzy toilet seat cover in your bathroom now? Are all your posters and magazines featuring swimsuit models missing? Have your Food Network hotties, Rachel Ray, Nigella Lawson and Giada De Laurentis, been magically replaced by Paula Deen and that Alton guy on your Tivo? Consider yourself caught, dude.

The first thing is: Don’t panic. Women have heightened senses and can smell fear. You don’t want to force her hand, my friend.

If you’re not careful, one of those tranquilizer darts right in the back pocket is what you’ll get for your trouble. You’ll then awaken in a specially designed “habitat” wearing a GPS satellite collar—you know, the kind they use to track lions, rhinos and fans of the Oakland Raiders. That’s just the beginning. Her parents will appear on the scene shortly, with her siblings in tow.

Her dad will point out how scrawny he thinks you are. “Is this the best you can do, princess?” he’ll ask. “Your cousin, Amy, caught a nice specimen near Palmetto Dunes the other day.” Her mom will shush him and talk about how your eyes are complemented by the GPS collar. She will suggest that your diet be supplemented by some multi-vitamins and vegetables.

Her little sister and her posse of giggling friends will talk about how “cute” you are. They will try to put ribbons in your hair. Her little brother, of course will toss rocks at you and try to poke you with a stick. The life you once led has now changed forever. No more X-Games-style stunt bikes. Break out that bicycle for two with the basket and the cute little bell.

The above example is an exaggeration, of course, but when you listen to some guys once they decide to “bite the bullet” and see one young lady exclusively, you’d think that they were now some caged animal on exhibit in a zoo. Sure, there are going to be sacrifices and compromises made—mostly by you, but that’s to be expected. It’s a woman’s job to try and “domesticate” or tame you. Your job is to make her think that she’s done so, while retaining all your wild, untamed ways that attracted her to you in the first place. It’s a contest of wills and strategy just like chess, but with lots of kissing.

Some guys will still long for the good old days. They’ll talk about missing all the freedom that their buddies still have. They’ll always be looking for a way to escape: to be able to go on that spur-of-the moment road trip to Columbia that found the gang waking up the following morning locked in the storage room of a Chinese restaurant; the paintball tourney featuring actual Navy Seals and Army Rangers. Yeah, that’s the life a real man wants to lead, and your friends will tell you that you’re missing out.

Don’t be fooled by your buddies and their tall tales. They’ve seen your girlfriend in that little black cocktail dress. They’ve seen her bring you homemade chicken soup when you had the flu. They’ve seen how other women look at you when you’re out and about with your girlfriend.

They saw her first, but were too afraid to go over and talk to her. “When did he become Brad Pitt?” they wonder to themselves. “He’s way too short for her and he’s afraid of mice and spiders.” They secretly envy you but won’t let you know it. They would trade places with you in a New York minute and not feel the slightest tinge of remorse or guilt.

So, relax and enjoy the ride, my good man. The majority of men want to find a quality woman who is willing to “tame” them. Your mom tamed your dad, after all, and he’s not complaining.

She Says:

She Says
By Jean Wharton

How do you know when you’re in a relationship? This is clearly a question posed by one of the male readers of CH2. It could be answered from various points of view based on where the emphasis of the question falls.

Option one: HOW do you know when you’re in a relationship? This hints at the assortment of detection tools that one could employ in order to dissect the relationship in question. Many, many, many women rely their friends to help them analyze and theorize about the status of their past, current or future relationships. This may not be the most accurate method, and if an untrustworthy friend serves on the jury panel, a relationship could be brought down by her ulterior motives. On the man side of things, I think that they base the how portion of the question on the physicality of the relationship. The cohesive couple would have discussed the exclusivity of the relationship and this would determine the how in an uncomfortable, yet purposeful conversation (referred to as the WU-WU “what’s up with us” talk).

Option two: How do you know when you’re in a relationship? The answer to the question varies based on who is answering it. Maybe you’ve had “the WU-WU talk” with your companion, decisions were made, terms were negotiated and midway through the conversation you zoned out and missed the bottom line. Your partner has a general idea where you’re relationship is headed (be it the gutter or the altar) but you’re a bit fuzzy. Sometimes you may be in a relationship and not even know it… This is more often a phenomenon with men, but that does not leave the woman blameless. In this scenario, the woman is creating a relationship out of nothing and setting herself up for disappointment. Casual dating really only seems to work in the movies.

Option three: How do you know when you’re in a relationship? Right now, I have as many as 20 relationships going… albeit none of them are romantic. If you in a relationship that requires a definition that is not already obvious, such as mother-daughter, boss-employee, bank teller-account holder, you need to utilize option one and two. If those methods fail, it’s best to begin to identify what a relationship would mean to you and why you’re spending your time with this person. For some people, the answer to this question is easy because they have an established barometer; but if the other person doesn’t have the same, then you’re back in a fuzzy stage again. Let’s take a few minutes to update your system of indicating the relationship status. If you can answer true to any of the following questions, you may be in a relationship.

True or False: You received a note from your special friend that included the question, “Do you like me? Check yes or no” and you answered yes.

True or False: You have eaten two or meals together over a seven day period (if one of these meals was breakfast in bed, then you shouldn’t be taking this quiz; you should be planning your next date).

True or False: You have met family members (pets do not count, however if you’re pet sitting for someone, you probably are in a relationship).

True or False: Friday and Saturday night dates are implied, not necessarily planned in advance.

True or False: He or she is the first call you make to start your day and the last call you answer to finish it.

True or False: Your cell phone’s outgoing and incoming call logs are 95 percent filled with your partner’s name; and for those who use text messaging, you are saving messages from this person.

True or False: You’ve exchanged gifts for a holiday, birthday or no special reason at all.

True or False: You’ve gone to a movie you didn’t want to see or eaten at a restaurant you’d rather not have just to spend time with this person.

True or False: The goodnight kiss does not stop at the front door.

I’ll be the first to admit that I might be the worst writer at CH2 to be penning this article, considering half the people working for the magazine are in relationships and I am not. However, I’ve been in my share of ambiguous dating scenarios and had to decode the signals, indicators and signs that may or may not point to relationship status. When all else fails, go back to the WU-WU talk and be emotionally intelligent enough to know when you’re with the right person and when you’re just having fun. Both can be equally rewarding as long as all parties involved know the parameters.

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