January 2008

The Big Game Party: Amateurs Beware!

Author: Keith Kelson

Well, it’s that time of year again. The Super Bowl is about to take place and a world champion of the football world will be crowned. Many football fans will also be throwing Super Bowl parties the day of the big game. You’ll see some of them buying big screen TV’s just for the occasion. But just like folks who can’t carry a tune think that it’s okay for them to belt out Michael Bolton’s greatest hits during a visit to the local karaoke bar, there are some folks that shouldn’t attempt to throw a Super Bowl party.

I know some of you think that it’s not that hard. Dude, you need to relax, some of you will say. You need to stop making everything so complicated. Go long, dude. You’ll then toss a Nerf foam football in my direction and stare at me in amazement when I don’t attempt to catch it. “Bummer,” the surfer dude will say. But hey, maybe he’s right.

After all, you can pick up veggie, cheese and cold cut plates and a couple of six-foot long sandwiches from a deli or supermarket and have all the food laid out on a table with the beer in several coolers near the TV. Simple, right? A good time will be had by all.

Wrong. Just like George Lucas got it wrong when he decided to keep making sequels to Star Wars. The first movie had it all, and the end of the film was perfect. PERFECT. But he wouldn’t stop. Luke and Leia turn out to be brother and sister. Darth Vader is their dad. Billy Dee Williams was well… still way smoother than half the male population. But just like there should only have been one Star Wars movie, there is only one way to throw a Super Bowl party: like Vader ran the Deathstar.

You must run a very tight ship. Sure, you can go the easy route and get all your food from a deli, but make sure that you prepare at least one dish yourself. If you’re totally clueless in the kitchen, use four kinds of cheeses on the nachos. The looks on your guests’ faces will be priceless. There’s nothing more exotic than four-cheese nachos.

Create a drama-free zone. Any couple that’s having a rough time and getting professional counseling will not be invited. Sorry, but The Young and The Restless doesn’t air on Super Bowl Sunday, and no one wants to hear how your marital woes are almost identical to Victor’s and Nikki’s. You will be turned away at the door unless you have some world class seafood gumbo.

The same goes for the lazy loverboy types who show up looking to romance the ladies. You can’t pick up women at a Super Bowl party, man. It’s a violation of the guy code. See chapter eight, paragraph thirteen.

The pre game show. The pre game show usually lasts longer than a session of Congress. You will be advised to watch the pre game show quietly and learn all the interesting minutiae the NFL and the network decides to air. You won’t be allowed to entertain yourselves, because eventually someone will decide to do a couple of songs from the movie, Fame, and nothing ruins the whole Super Bowl vibe like the songs from Fame.

Any children present will be served turkey. Lots of turkey. Call it the Thanksgiving sleepy time strategy.

When the final gun goes off, your guests will rave about what a great host you were and they’ll thank you for inviting them to your Super Bowl party. If they don’t, just use the Jedi mind trick to have them do your bidding. It’s what Lord Vader would do.

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