April 2007

The Heritage Survival Guide for Residents

Author: Keith Kelson

It’s that time of year again. Legions of golf fans will arrive on Hilton Head Island to attend one of the PGA’s premiere events, The Verizon Heritage of Golf. As a sports fan, I look forward to the throngs of fans and reporters that arrive each year during the Heritage. There’s nothing I love more than large sporting events. You can not only talk golf, but you can also get juicy tidbits about all the other sports.

Hilton Head looks postcard-perfect on TV, and I’m sure that many tourists and future residents fall in love with the island via the coverage during the week of Heritage. .I always get a kick out of trying to see if any of the locals I know will get any face time during the tournament.

Now, for those who are a little less than enthusiastic about Hilton Head being the center of the golfing universe for one week, fear not. I managed to coax this top-secret survival guide from the wife of a high-ranking military official.

I had to modify the list somewhat because those military types are too concerned with having fun. I believe that a good survival guide should challenge you as well as be fun. Here’s your handy dandy (revised) Heritage Survival Guide.

Make sure that you have a week’s worth of groceries, several large containers of spring water and the numbers of several good take-out restaurants on your phone’s speed dial. You’re going to be in your house, hunkered down, wearing lots of eye black, so you’ll either be cooking for yourself or having some food delivered to your doorstep. I suggest you cook for yourself. Nigella Lawson and Rachael Ray will help you prepare quick, easy and tasty dishes. For the ladies, it’s Bobby Flay and Tyler Florence to the rescue.

Rent some classic entertainment on DVD or plan to watch some quality programming on TV. Turner Classic Movies and TV Land broadcast some of the best shows and movies Hollywood has ever produced. Cecil B DeMille’s Ten Commandments will be on; featuring more classic stars than you can shake a stick at. See if you can find John Wayne.

If you must venture outside to get some sunshine or walk the dog, please wear a T-shirt with current UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) champion Chuck Liddell’s fearsome visage emblazoned across the front. The fans of golf and the fans of the UFC are like oil and water. Odds are, any chatty golf lover will avoid you like Superman avoids kryptonite.

Since you’re going to be swimming upstream for the week, going against the grain, you might as well re-enact the 1984 Tour De France. Purchase one of those ridiculously expensive bikes and a garish outfit. Zip around the island twice each day during Heritage week—right around rush hour. Trust me; golf will be the last thing on your mind.

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