September 2009

He Says: Who Should Clean The House

Author: Keith Kelson

I hate housework with a passion. Keeping a house clean is a no fun at all. I’m not really a messy person; I just hate housework. Who should clean the house, men or women? I say that the person who makes a mess should clean it up right away. Don’t wait for mounds of debris to accumulate so you can say that the whole house now needs to be cleaned from top to bottom. Nip it in the bud.

That’s why I try to avoid any room that’s been cleaned—to ensure that when it’s time to clean again, there’s not a lot of work to be done. Sure, it can be a challenge, but you have to consider the alternative. Once that room gets beyond a certain point, let’s call it the tidy line—you’ll have to clean up again.

I haven’t been in my living room since the early ’90s. I’ve been in my kitchen once or twice since the Bush administration—the one with the real George Bush and his sidekick Dan Quayle. If I’m not mistaken, Sonny and Cher were still married the last time I set foot in the den. In other words, I’ll move into a new house if my current pad gets too far beyond the tidy line. I have a moving van company on call, standing by, ready to spring into action just in case.

When you have no choice but to stay put in your current pad, for the sake of the tidy line, you can go out to your favorite watering hole to catch a game. You can also watch your favorite movies on DVD at a department store’s electronics section, thereby ensuring that your entire house stays spotless. Just remember when asking the bartender to switch the game to the Soap Channel, it’s because your girlfriend missed that day’s episode of The Young and the Restless.

The life of a married cat who hates housework will be a bit more complicated. I find it amusing that when single, some women will be more than happy to drive to their boyfriend’s apartment and clean up after a grown man. Once married, however, that young lady will morph into a modern-day working woman who will expect and may even demand that her hubby does his share of the housework. Now, in a bygone era, the woman was responsible for the all housework and the man was responsible home repairs, taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. If it were up to some cats, that era would never have ended. If you value your health, however, don’t ever mention that to women.

Sure, it would be nice if you could just be responsible for taking out the trash and mowing the lawn like the old days. Modern women laugh at and ridicule men who long for the old days, and Oprah makes sure to reward those women with lucrative book deals. They’ll insist you take out the trash, mow the lawn, do household repairs and help keep the house clean to boot. After all, she’ll say that she works just as hard as you do, and every adult should pick up after themselves. So what’s a married man to do? You could concede defeat and admit that your wives have won. In reality, you cats lost the minute you said “I do.”

You got lulled to sleep with a false sense of security, dude. Using Pine Sol and her feminine wiles, she was able to snare you with the promise of a clean, spotless house, dangling the carrot of a life free of housework before your eyes. Poor, deluded soul—if it seems too good to be true, it always is.

Well, you say you could move into the garage and only make brief appearances, as needed, inside the main house. True, but one day you’ll open the door, and tiny, nano particles of dust will waft inside, landing on the small figurines of Lindsey Graham and Hillary Clinton your in-laws gave you. Seeing those dust particles, your wife will have irrefutable proof that you upset the delicate balance, pushing the house well beyond the tidy line. She will then insist that you clean the whole house unaided. So, you can nix the garage idea.

The solution is to get a prenuptial housework agreement, spelling out just how many of the household chores you’re responsible for. Should she suddenly start demanding that you do more than your fair share, you’ll have a legal document protecting you. The worst that could happen is she’ll write a book about you and appear on Oprah.

Let Us Know what You Think ...

commenting closed for this article