September 2008

It Could Be Worse: The Knucklehead Tales, First Edition

Author: Craig Hysell

For most of us, our life can feel pretty mundane sometimes. It’s just a fact. We get used to our lives and we take them for granted. We get bored. But that’s why life pastes big, yellow, figurative Post-It notes on our metaphorical refrigerators to remind us how great we have it. All we have to do is pay attention.

This month “It Could Be Worse” brings you a wonderful collection of misfits who will no doubt inspire the realization that you live a great life, simply because you are not a complete and total idiot. Or, at the very least, you aren’t a total idiot who makes the news. Or, if you have made the news, at least you’re still alive, unlike some of these poor souls.

So sit back, relax and enjoy these short tales that epitomize the human comedy. You’ll feel better about your life when you’re finished reading:

• Earlier this year Ms. Lee Amor, 23, of South Devon, England, pleaded guilty to calling or texting her ex-boyfriend over 10,000 times in a 65-day period. That’s an average of 153.8 texts or calls per day or 6.4 per hour! Which isn’t really amorous, Ms. Amor, but more creepy, in that Hannibal Lector-ous kind of way. Good news, though; that dastardly corporate world is always looking for another telemarketer. Now put the lotion in the basket.

• Out in Orem, Utah, 31 year-old Daniel Thompson was sick and tired of all the sex, violence and profanity in movies. The relatively young entrepreneur opened a video store offering “major Hollywood films with the objectionable parts removed.” Unfortunately those powerful movie studios got pretty upset with the trampling of free speech and shut down Thompson’s store in December because of copyright infringement. A month later, Orem, Utah’s creative idealist, had apparently thrown in the towel. Thompson was arrested after police alleged he paid two 14-year-old girls for sex. No word on whether he took his rented minors to dinner or dinner and a movie first.

• In February, William Anderson, 51, attracted some unwanted attention when he parked his Hummer outside a welfare office in the small-town county of Jonesville, Virginia. Apparently rolling up into Jonesville, Big Willie-style, in a Hummer is odd. Especially when the Hummer has Michigan plates. And even more especially for a man like Mr. Anderson, who was going into the welfare office to apply for benefits. A quick investigation revealed the vehicle had been stolen. Gettin’ jiggy wit’ it is going to have to wait until Mr. Anderson comes back to reality, or gets out of jail, which ever happens first.

• For one New Zealand man, fighting The Power resulted in a vicious case of irony. This particular 39-year-old had been cited 32 times for not wearing a seat belt. Tired of such abuse, this Kiwi felt he had to do what a man had to do. He “rigged a fake belt in his car to create the illusion he was belted in.” However, his gallant ride into the sunset was interrupted when life finally felt its calls could go unheeded no more. “The man was killed in a low-impact car crash that would not have been fatal to a belted driver.”

• In the late eighties, The Beach Boys sang about what happened way down in Kokomo when Tom Cruise was the one slinging Cocktails. A 25-year-old convenience store robber in Kokomo, Indiana, had a different interpretation recently. He accidentally shot himself in the genitals upon stuffing his gun into his waistband. Studies are still in the early stages, but rum drinks in the Caribbean seem to be edging out self-inflicted genital wounds in Indiana. Clean-up on aisle one please, that’s a clean-up on aisle one… Thank you.

Keep those fridges full of goodies, ladies and gentlemen, and pay attention to those Post-It notes. Good day.

All stories were taken from that wonderfully inglorious site on the Web: newsoftheweird.com.

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